Sabotage? WHAT? Yeap! That’s right! It’s time to have a tough conversation. I’ve been sabotaging my weight loss efforts for YEARS! However, it wasn’t until now that I have decided to name what I was doing. I finally had to call a “spade a SPADE” and a “thing a THING” (in my Iyanla Vazant voice 😊).
I was sabotaging my weight loss success!
I had to acknowledge all my “pancake flipping” was not serving me. What is pancake flipping? It’s what I call the process I go through in trying to make a thing work when in actuality, it was never going to happen.
Scenario 1:
I had been doing well cutting down my sugar intake. I even lost eight pounds! Yes! Killing it! However, one day a friend, whom I love very much called and asked if I wanted to get together. I said, “Absolutely!” She says, you want to go to our faaaaaaavorite spot?
Immediately, panic sets in! My eyes get big! You know, where you can see more white than pupil? Yeah! Like that! I even think I stopped breathing! So, I am MUTE on the phone while my mind races. Of course, I want to go but I just lost eight pounds and I don’t need any of them to come back. WHAT DO I SAY? I want to go to my fa-vo-rite place but can I TRUST myself to make the right decisions?
I ponder! I think, “what I could eat if I go?” But that sends me down the rabbit hole, because now I am thinking about ALL the wonderful things I love at my favorite place. It’s one of those places where you ask, “what do I not love?” Then as I think about hot wings, chips and salsa, avocado egg rolls, spinach dip and chips, pizza, sandwiches, pasta…”Nah, no pasta that is definitely too much.” Ooooooh, Snap! Dessert! They have my fa-vo-rite dessert!
WAIT! STOP!
{Insert talking to self:} You are doing it again! You said the last time you were not going to go back to that place for a while because you were just too disrespectful to your stomach and your pants (oops 😊)! You ate all the wrong stuff, you didn’t manage your portions and even though you ordered the mini dessert (one thing you got right) you ate the entire large one! I know, I know, the place ran out of mini pans so they could only make large ones. On a regular day I would have been ecstatic, but this is NOT how this was supposed to go. I worked HARD in actually letting the word “M-I-N-I” come out of my mouth! Ordering the mini took everything I had and they STILL gave me a freak’n large! Go Figure! There was no way I was going to turn down a large for the price of a mini! Nope, not gone do it! LOL!
SO, whatcha gonna do? You gonna go or pick somewhere else?
After 120,000 times at bat and failing miserably, I had to decide, “Do I go and “TEST” myself to see if I will make a better choice (track record is 0 thus far)? If I go will I be strong enough not to order dessert? If I go will I stay in line with my goals to not put those 8 pounds back on?
Spoiler Alert: I went and failed AGAIN!!! At least 5 of the 8 pounds were back.
I felt like a failure! A failure because I really tried. I tried to do it right this time. My friend said, “It’s only o-n-e day! What could that hurt, with her big gleaming smile. It hurt a lot, because as well-meaning as she is, we don’t have the same struggles. I needed to do what was BEST FOR ME!
Now, let me just say, I know there are some finger wagers reading this saying, “DUH, you should’ve just chosen a different place? Why put yourself through all of that?” EXCELLENT question you pose there!!!
The reality here is this scenario could have and would have been played out almost anywhere I would’ve gone. I know, it sounds crazy but this was my truth. It was not my habit to eat well when choosing restaurants. I wanted all the yummy good stuff! I would always tell myself, “I’ll choose something healthy next time.”
I believe a lot of my choices stemmed from emotional eating, but we’ll discuss that on another day.
However, the main reason I put myself through this torture is because I was still flipping the pancake. Each and every time I’d tell myself something about this situation was going to be
DIFFERENT!
The truth is, IT WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!
I finally had to decide. So, I asked myself, “When are you going to get tired of starting over?” I am a PRO-FESSSS-IONAL at losing 8-10 pounds Monday-Friday and gaining it back in a weekend.
One day I just got tired. I decided my pancake was burnt to a crisp, dry, and in so many pieces it looked like flour. The jig was up dudes!
One morning as I stood on my scale looking at a rebound weight loss. I said, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” I’m tired of sabotaging myself. I’m ready to lose this weight once and for all.” After all, my body was showing me that it wanted to release the weight because I would lose it until I started the shenanigans again.
Finally I decided to stop putting myself in situations that don’t serve my goals. I decided, even though it might be “o-n-e day” today AIN’T that day! That day won’t come until I have made way more progress. I know this probably sounds extreme but it’s really not. It’s just that I had to admit these special treats were not so special! They were more detrimental and keeping me from my goal.
Will I ever eat a piece of cake? Umm…YES! I have to make one tomorrow for my daughter’s 9th birthday. The difference this time is I understand I cannot do what I used to do. I‘ve got to manage my carbs in order to make room for that cake. I need to go for a morning and evening walk.
I have to do things differently, this time!
WHEEWWWW! That was a lot, right? I know, but it was necessary. I needed you to understand that for some of us, even though it doesn’t look like we are trying (when you look at our size 20+ jeans). I need you to know we are.
It’s just a process and we each have to decide when we have had enough. We have to decide if our pancake is burnt to a crisp of if it still has a few more flips in it.
In order to win the weight loss war or the diabetes battle we MUST MAKE A CHOICE! Although this post focused more on food than diabetes itself, we do the same thing with how we manage diabetes. We have all these bad habits that we test by flipping that pancake.
We know it is not good for us. We know we should make a different choice but it’s hard. For so many reasons, it’s hard. Nevertheless, you’ve got to choose. You have to decide when enough will be enough!
What choice will you make?
Be well & test often,
Carmella